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Reaction to toddler's speech says a lot about fretful parents
11/27/07

Q: Our 21-month-old has started repeating a few words here and there. We are concerned that he uses Da-da and Ma-ma inappropriately at times. For example, he will say “Da-da” and point to himself. We are constantly telling him his name and pointing to ourselves and saying either “Da-da” or “Ma-ma.” He also uses the word "blue" appropriately at times, at other times not. Is there a reason for us to be concerned?


A: I seriously doubt it. Your son has recently started to talk and is making mistakes. When he started walking, he was clumsy and fell down often. When he began feeding himself with a spoon, he made mistakes. When you begin toilet training him, he will make mistakes. When you begin teaching him to dress himself, he will make mistakes. My point is that children make mistakes when they are learning a new skill. It’s called trial-and-error, which is the way most learning takes place. You didn’t mention this, but I’ll bet that if you say to him “Go find Da-da,” he will not go stand in front of a mirror. He will try to find his father.

Another thing to consider is that when parents pay undue attention to small “glitches” of this sort in a child’s development, problems that would not have been problems can become problems. That’s my way of telling you that you’re paying entirely too much attention to this.

I’m not the least bit concerned about your son, but I am concerned about you. I’m concerned that you are already showing unmistakable signs of slowly-consuming parental anxiety disorder (SCPAD). Once this disorder grabs a parent by the throat, the associated anxiety spreads rapidly to every little thing the child does that seems the least bit odd or outside the norm. The question becomes: Are the two of you going to have a relaxed and enjoyable parenting experience, or are you going to be like tightly twisted rubber bands for the next however many years? It's up to YOU, you know.

Unbeknownst to you, your question spoke volumes. It said absolutely nothing about your son, however. He’s a normal 21-month-old kid, in the beginning stages of figuring out how language works. It spoke volumes about you. It suggests that you're probably reading too many parenting books, magazines, and newspaper columns (!). It hasn’t been two years, and you’ve already in danger of sliding down the slippery slope of SCPAD.


Here’s another bit of advice: Stop asking “Who’s Da-da?” He may be interpreting that as “Who has a Da-Da?” in which case his answer is correct. In any case, for the time being, stop asking him questions. Just answer his.

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