Child's curiosity gets out of control
07/24/07
Q: I have a 4-year-old son who starts asking questions when he gets up in the morning and doesn’t stop until he goes to bed. It’s embarrassing when we are around other people because he does not shut up! I am thrilled that he is curious, but I am burnt out with answering his never-ending stream of questions! Help!
A: You came to the right place! Believe it or not, I’ve been asked this same question many times, and have devised a fail-safe way of helping children who, like your son, can’t seem to turn off the question switch. (At least, I’ve never heard of it failing.) If this is an expression of curiosity, it’s curiosity out of control, and it is definitely in the best interests of these kids—of which there are quite a few—that it be reined in. It doesn’t take much time around a child afflicted with Chronic Compulsive Incessant Question-Asking Disorder to realize that he’s not really listening to most of the answers. It’s as if these hyper-inquisitive kids are in the throes of an addiction to hearing the sound of their own voices.
Give your son ten Question Tickets—ticket-sized pieces of construction paper with question marks drawn on them—a day. Affix them to the refrigerator door with a magnetized clip. Every time he asks a question, you ask, "Do you want an answer to this one?" That will break his “roll” and make him stop and think for a moment. If he says he does, then you walk over to the fridge, take a ticket out of the clip, put it on top of the cabinet, and say "One down, nine to go." Then you answer his question. The rule is that when all of his tickets are gone, you are not going to answer any more questions that day. It’s important, of course, that both parents operate the program in tandem. This example of parenting jujitsu turns what could become a battle of wills into a game. If my experience serves me well, in three to four weeks your son will be asking fewer than ten questions a day on average, most of which will be fairly necessary.
Q: My 3-year-old has a terrible time apologizing for wrongdoing. We generally send him to his room and require him to apologize after he calms down. He will say he’s sorry, but he doesn’t want us to see him do it. He insists that we just listen from another room. Is that weird or just a phase that has to do with his age? A friend of mine says she’s heard you shouldn’t make 3-year-olds apologize because they don’t get it anyway. Is she right?
A: It's important that children learn to apologize, and that goes for children as young as 3. Furthermore, your friend is wrong. Studies have found that children as young as two are capable of empathy, compassion, and remorse. Three-year-olds understand “I’m sorry,” and it is entirely appropriate for adults to expect them to say it when appropriate. In fact, the more they say it (and hear it from others), the more significance it takes on. I include “I’m sorry” in with other “magic words” like please, thank you, and excuse me. The earlier children develop the habit of saying them, the better.
Your son’s reluctance to have you “watch” while he apologizes says he’s feeling a certain amount of remorse and is self-conscious enough as it is. At this point, if he’s willing to apologize, but not face-to-face, I’d let things stand. This will probably run its course before his fourth birthday.
