Act your age, or it's paradise lost
01/22/08

Q: We recently kicked our 6-year-old out of the Garden of Eden for constant whining, frequent tantrums, hiding behind me when I’m talking with another adult, running away from me in stores, and other behaviors typical of 3-year-olds. He has no developmental delays, however, and is actually fairly intelligent. The problem is getting him to act his age. Help!

A: Before I give you some advice, I need to explain for the benefit of our readers what is meant by “kicking a child out of the Garden of Eden.” In this case, Paradise is the child’s room, and kicking the child out means to strip the room of anything and everything that is not essential furniture and clothing. The parents then establish specific behavioral goals which must the child must attain and maintain for two weeks to a month in order to begin getting his “stuff” back. I recommend this conservatively, only when a child’s misbehavior is persistently beyond the borders of outrageous, and the child has failed to respond to lower-level consequences. The purpose of “kicking” is to issue the child a powerful wake-up call in the hope that the child will finally see the wisdom of changing his errant ways.

The immature behavior you are describing is certainly outrageous enough to justify this course of action. To begin your son’s rehabilitation, establish one behavioral goal, such as not hiding behind you when you are talking with another adult. Tell your son, very specifically, what you expect of him in that situation—hold your hand, stand still and quiet at your side, and answer the adult’s questions while maintaining fairly good eye contact. Rehearse the proper behavior at home with Mom and Dad. When he has the new behavior(s) pretty well "down" in practice sessions, tell him that when he's able to successfully perform them in a public situation, with a third party, as well as he is performing them at home, he will get back a certain coveted toy or toys.

If he makes the attempt and doesn't quite get it, go home, review his "performance," rehearse again, and then try again. Keep trying until he has success. Then establish a second goal, but if he backslides with the first, he has to give that toy back and start anew. This will take some time and self-discipline on your part, but perseverance will eventually carry the day.

Q: My 7-year-old daughter is often quite bossy to her sister and other playmates. I know I should not get involved, but it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut when I hear being so rude! What would you advise?

A: Ideally, you should stay out of it. On the other hand, you do not need to apologize for the fact that your daughter’s bad manners bother you terribly, in which case you should do something to solve YOUR problem. I recommend invoking the “Do Not Disturb Mom’s Peace” rule.

Simply tell your daughter that although you think she is often rude to her sister and friends, you're not going to get involved in her disputes or relationships with other children. However, if her bossing other children around happens to get under your skin, you will send or take the children home (or separate her from her sister) and confine her to her room for the remainder of the day with a considerably early bedtime.

If you are ruthless about enforcing this, it should take no more than a few weeks for her to develop much better social etiquette.